When Life Is Chaos (Pt. 2)

We Live in a World Built on Shame

Another reason receiving help is so difficult is that shame is woven into almost every part of our society. Shame keeps people silent, isolated, guarded, and hypervigilant. It convinces us that our worth is tied to our performance, our image, our identity, or our ability to “hold it together.”

We live in a culture that feeds:

• Financial Shame:
  The belief that money struggles reflect personal failure.

• Body Shame:
  The idea that our appearance determines our worth.

• Educational Shame:
  The narrative that degrees define intelligence or value.

• Race Shame:
  The internalized pressure to conform, assimilate, or minimize parts of ourselves

• Gender Shame:
  Expectations to perform roles and identities that suppress authenticity.

• Ability Shame:
  Stigmas around disability, mental health, neurodivergence, or chronic illness.

• Nationality Shame:
  The pressure to prove belonging, speak “correctly,” or fit in culturally.

• Tribal and Cultural Shame:
  Misunderstandings, stereotypes, and erasure that disconnect people from lineage and identity.

Brené Brown calls shame “the fear of being unworthy of connection.”

Resmaa Menakem teaches that shame becomes embedded in the body, becoming physical rather than just emotional.

Shame teaches us to hide.
Trauma teaches us to protect.
Hypervigilance teaches us to anticipate harm.

Together, they make vulnerability feel dangerous, even when love is present.

How Healing Actually Begins

Healing does not ask you to erase your past.
Healing asks you to understand it so it no longer controls you.

This is where the wisdom of Coach Rees fits powerfully into the work of recovery.

Coach Rees (Dr. Ariassa Wilson) teaches:
“Get comfortable with navigating your past. Become familiar with what causes you pain.” This is not to stay stuck in it, but to move toward healing.

This teaching invites us to stop avoiding our wounds and start understanding them.

You cannot heal from what you refuse to look at.
You cannot outgrow wounds you’ve never acknowledged.
You cannot build healthy relationships while using survival strategies from old harm.

Healing begins the moment you decide to face the truth with compassion instead of shame.

This looks like:

1. Naming your wounds instead of hiding them

Naming is the first act of freedom.

2. Learning the language of your nervous system

Your body speaks, through tension, shutdown, anger, or panic.

3. Slowing your reactions so your body doesn’t speak louder than your intentions

Regulation before communication.

4. Revisiting your past with support, not isolation

Healing is not meant to be done alone.
Whether it is therapy, community care, or someone like Charlotte, you need someone steady.

5. Rewriting the stories that shame tried to script for you

You get to become someone beyond what hurt you.

How to Support Someone Living in Survival Mode

If you are the one trying to help someone with unhealed trauma, here’s what matters most: Their reaction is not about you. It is about their history.

To support someone without getting pulled into their pain:

• Stay steady, even when they are dysregulated

• Speak calmly and clearly.

• Avoid urgency or pressure

• Hold boundaries without shame

• Don’t take outbursts personally.

• Validate their feelings without enabling harmful behavior.

• Celebrate moments of vulnerability; they are a sign of trust.

People healing from trauma need consistency, not correction.
They need clarity, not confusion.
They need patience, not perfection.
They need presence, not pressure.

The Heart of It All

Unhealed trauma changes how you see the world.
Hypervigilance changes how you react to the world.
Shame changes how you see yourself.

But healing is possible.
In fact, healing is powerful.

And sometimes healing begins in the quiet moment when you finally allow yourself to face your past, understand your pain, and breathe again, not from fear, but from freedom.

And sometimes healing begins with the people, like Charlotte, who show up in the mess, sit beside you without judgment, and remind you that you are worthy of support long before you feel ready to receive it.